Joy in [repeated] chaos
Hey friends,
It’s been awhile, to say the least. I’ve been needing to do some much-needed brain and heart dumping so while I did just that on paper, of course, I figured — let’s also make it a blog!
Life lately has been an eclipse of gray skies paired with sun bursts. Kind of a fitting description, given that’s actually been the local weather for the last month. But I’m learning to embrace it because when that sun comes out man… does it shine. Almost enough to make you forget it ever stormed. And maybe that’s the point.
Recently, I found myself going through something I thought I had healed from. Or at least something I was sure I had made a conscious effort not to be triggered by anymore. Not only that, I even found myself responding in ways that caught me off guard — ways I thought I’d long outgrown.
“Does this mean I never actually healed?” I ruminated for days, maybe even weeks, as I reflected on this uptick in old behavior. Because if I had truly healed then…
Why has the sun set and risen again, and it’s still all I can think about?…
Why does it feel like there’s a cement block sitting on the center of my chest?
Seriously. I mean, I’ve done the journaling, had the conversations, listened to the podcasts, read my Bible, processed the pain.. But the way I felt — almost automatically — threw me off. It didn’t feel like me. Or at least not the “healed” version of me I thought I had become.
That’s when I remembered these three things in this season of “the work”:
1. Wounds scab before they fade
Just like you can still pinpoint that childhood scar you earned during an intense game of tag or maybe when you tumbled off your bike, emotional wounds can leave a mark. Sometimes with the right puncture they can open up again, or even leave a new scar in a similar way. They may not be as visible over time, but you’ll always remember how you got them. And just like a physical wound, for them to truly fade, they require proper care.
2. Growth lies in repetition
Repetition doesn’t mean you’re stagnant. Sometimes you revisit the same situation simply to see it with wiser eyes and respond in a healthier way than you did before. It’s frustrating, but sometimes you don’t know what still lives in you until you’re faced with it again. See it as an opportunity.
3. Forgiveness has no finish line
The work doesn’t end after one “I forgive you.” Dare I say that’s where it begins — because sometimes it’s a process you walk through repeatedly, whether it’s forgiving others or yourself. As believers, we’re actually called to forgive 70 times 7 (Matt. 18:21-22). Whew, yeah… that one gets me every time. But the point is this: forgiving will always be part of your soul’s work.
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After sitting with all of this, I could only come to one true conclusion— I am human.
I am both a masterpiece and a work in progress. No amount of self-work will be enough to rewrite my humanity. I will get it wrong just as often as I get it right. And that doesn’t mean I deserve any less grace than the next person, but I have to first be able to offer it up to myself. Whose crazy idea was it that I would be exempt anyways? If you were to ask me now, I’d say experiencing this reminded me of how much we need to create joy in our lives and that we do have the power to change. One bad moment can quietly take up residence in your heart, and before you know it, you’ve thrown all the good things out the window by focusing only on the pain. So l implore you to ask yourself…
“What am I allowing to steal my joy?”
Lately, I’ve been choosing joy on purpose. Not in a “mask it and chin up” way, but as a vital part of my healing work. But as someone who is still practicing the art of making space for both grief and gratitude, I’ve had to lean in heavily on God’s reminders that joy is still my portion (James 1:2-4), even here. For me, that’s looked like signing up for tennis lessons (who knew how great of a tension reliever that would be?!), running my very first 5k, and holding space for a group of women to gather every other week for connection and reflection. It’s saying yes to the little heart flutters because they spark curiosity and tell my brain that I can channel my energy into something life-giving. Sometimes it’s just a new set of pajamas, a night out with my good girlfriends, free hand journaling (s/o to EMDR!), or taking myself out with no agenda. Other times it’s living through the curated moments for my kids so they’ll remember joy as part of their foundation. They might seem small, but these moments are like open windows in a stuffy room — they let in fresh air and remind me life isn’t only what’s hard.
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My encouragement to you is to always keep a pocket of joy — especially for the rainy days. Life can be hard, but that doesn’t mean we have to suffer through it. Having healthy outlets and things to look forward to, even if they simply take the edge off, makes the duality of life that much more bearable… and beautiful.
So if you’re in a season that feels like sunshine and storm clouds — welcome.
You’re not alone. And you’re not failing. You’re just human.
Joy doesn’t erase the pain, but it gives it somewhere soft to land.
With love,
A Broken Vessel